I regret waking up today.
I’m just another error in life, I know.
I shouldn’t be alive in the first place.
I shouldn’t be here.
I shouldn’t be awake.
I shouldn’t exist.
I’m a waste of things.
I hate myself.
I hate everyone.
I hate everything.
There’s no one i can really rely on.
I’m just a deserted stranger.
I should never be alive.
Take me away.
I don’t want to live.
I don’t want to live.
I have no reason to be here.
I don’t want to live.
“kenapa mencariku jika sedang butuh saja? kenapa tidak mencariku karena kau ingin bertemu? :]”
“bukankah dirimu saja sudah menjadi alasan untuk bertemu? kenapa harus menunggu kalau butuh? apa artinya aku bagimu, hm?”
“mengapa jika aku yang mencarimu kau selalu pergi meninggalkanku? aku apa dimatamu? alat? mainan? apa? jawab.”
“well, it’s hurt that i’m so unwanted, rly. but still, i must be strong; it’s just human. God never forget me :3a”
There’a a whole other reason of why one shouldn’t seek a perfect person as a lover.
It’s not that the perfect someone is not exist.
They’re exist. They’re all around.
One of them might just be next to you.
Everyone is special, they lied.
Commonly special, they said.
Without any sign of boredom, more and more fakes to add.
A white, happy, fun, supporting lie will never hurt anyone, right?
What else can you give to a someone who already have everything?
Nor that they’re asking you for it, a gift or something.
It’s just a natural urge to reply after you’re given a thing.
Yet you have nothing to offer, it feels so alarming.
What should i do with this gap?
It can’t be filled with only a tap.
Slowly but sure, they come to your lap.
Inviting you to the core, taking a long long nap.
“How are you?” They smiled.
“It’s been a while,” you cringed.
“Come with us,” they invited.
“I don’t want to,” you begged.
“Don’t be shy,” they dragged.
“I want to be here,” you cried.
“Who else want you to be here?” They frowned.
“Your perfect someone? Have you done sanity check?” They giggled.
“Noonenoonenoonenoonenoonenoone noonenoonenoonenoonenooneNoOneNoOneNoOneNoOneNoOneNoOneNoOneNoOneNoOneNoOneNoOneNoOneNoOneNoOneNoOneNOONENOONENOONENOONENOONENOONENOONENOONENOONENOONENOONENOONENOONENOONENOONENOONE,” they muttered.
“It’s okay,” they caressed.
“Everything’s gonna be alright,” they kissed.
“We have everything prepared for you,” they announced.
“You’re going to love it here,” they laughed.
“See? We’ve prepared every NOTHINGness we could find for you!” They shouted.
“Don’t you feel happy? Don’t you feel overwhelmed?” They hugged.
“Aww, you even shed a tear of joy!” They mocked.
“It’s far, far better than living up there, right?” They winked.
“Don’t worry. Good news is, you’ll never have to leave!” They cheered.
“We’ll ALWAYS be with you,” they whispered.
“We’ll be together, FOREVER,” they smirked.
My queen asks me if I can meet her. In real life.
What should I do?
I want to be with her for sure, yet real life never really likes me, nor that I fond of it that much.
What if she’s disgusted seeing me and decided to stay away. No virtual meeting, no chat, not even a glimps of sight.
What if I can’t keep up the conversation, what if I’m too afraid to speak?
What if her friends dislikes me, what if I’m too humble for my beloved empress?
I want to be with her. I really do.
But I’m really afraid.
I don’t want to lose her.
I don’t want her to leave.
I don’t want her to be dissapointed in me.
My dear queen, what should I do?
Real life will kill me like it always does.
I’d really love to accept your call.
But what if it’s the real ‘last time’ for us at all?
When you find something way too good to be true, check, double-check, triple-check it.
It might be just a dream. Something you unconsciously make when you’re resting.
No matter how hard you wish it to be ‘real’, it’ll never be.
But it’s okay, people need illusion anyway. Just don’t get to attached to it.
It just happened to me, right here, right now. When this exact letter is being typed.
I always forget that dream is just merely a fake happiness when I’m in it. Something I make to convince myself that there’s still things worth to hang on for.
But yah, I ALWAYS forget.
And I’m now drowning in it.
Now it looks like we’re a different person. I and me.
I’d love dissolve. Me’d like to exist.
I distrusts everyone. Me wants to get close to everyone.
I hates every morning that come. Me greets everyone, “morning!”
I can’t breath being around people. Me screams in pain without people.
I is a vain. Me is a treasure.
People wish I isn’t there. People search for me.
Me is always more valuable than I.
Yet why should I lead?
Can’t I just give the baton to me?
Ain’t me I?
Ain’t I me?
Aren’t we one?
Why are we far so different? North and south. Winter and summer. Cold and warmth. Hate and love. Depression and joy.
Pass me the lead.